AUDITIONS
for
SWEENEY TODD
A PEBBLE COLLEGE PRODUCTION
AGES 17-23 MAY AUDITION
"Grandma Sylvia's Funeral" - the same kind of interactive theater experience as "Tony N' Tina's Wedding"
puts the audience in the center of the action among 21 actors. The audience is both observer and participant
in this highly improvisational and fun story of a Jewish funeral gone wrong.
Grandma Sylvia has died.... hit by a garbage truck. Her bereaved family comes together in an uproarious fashion,
as the mourners (the audience) at Grandma's funeral are treated to fond remembrances, biographical anecdotes, shameless bickering, and vaudeville-like turns with the dearly departed's friends and family. This piece is full of
raucous comedy, and wacky and engaging characters!
for
SWEENEY TODD
A PEBBLE COLLEGE PRODUCTION
AGES 17-23 MAY AUDITION
"Grandma Sylvia's Funeral" - the same kind of interactive theater experience as "Tony N' Tina's Wedding"
puts the audience in the center of the action among 21 actors. The audience is both observer and participant
in this highly improvisational and fun story of a Jewish funeral gone wrong.
Grandma Sylvia has died.... hit by a garbage truck. Her bereaved family comes together in an uproarious fashion,
as the mourners (the audience) at Grandma's funeral are treated to fond remembrances, biographical anecdotes, shameless bickering, and vaudeville-like turns with the dearly departed's friends and family. This piece is full of
raucous comedy, and wacky and engaging characters!
Executive Producer- Jayne Myers
Director- Peter Curley
"Grandma Sylvia's Funeral" - the same kind of interactive theater experience as "Tony N' Tina's Wedding" puts the audience in the center of the action among 21 actors.
The audience is both observer and participant in this highly improvisational and fun story of a Jewish funeral gone wrong.
Grandma Sylvia has died.... hit by a garbage truck. Her bereaved family comes together in an uproarious fashion, as the mourners (the audience) at Grandma's
funeral are treated to fond remembrances, biographical anecdotes, shameless bickering, and vaudeville-like turns with the dearly departed's friends and family.
This piece is full of raucous comedy, and wacky and engaging characters!
Director- Peter Curley
"Grandma Sylvia's Funeral" - the same kind of interactive theater experience as "Tony N' Tina's Wedding" puts the audience in the center of the action among 21 actors.
The audience is both observer and participant in this highly improvisational and fun story of a Jewish funeral gone wrong.
Grandma Sylvia has died.... hit by a garbage truck. Her bereaved family comes together in an uproarious fashion, as the mourners (the audience) at Grandma's
funeral are treated to fond remembrances, biographical anecdotes, shameless bickering, and vaudeville-like turns with the dearly departed's friends and family.
This piece is full of raucous comedy, and wacky and engaging characters!
AUDITIONS FEBRUARY 24 and 25 AND
CALLBACKS FEBRUARY 26
Show Dates: JUNE 26, 27, 28, 29
To schedule your audition appointment, please
email [email protected]
Age requirement 17 and up
Bring resume and headshot if you have one.
Role descriptions below.
Auditions are at our theater, 120 Morris Ave, Oakes Center in Summit.
email [email protected]
Age requirement 17 and up
Bring resume and headshot if you have one.
Role descriptions below.
Auditions are at our theater, 120 Morris Ave, Oakes Center in Summit.
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Role Descriptions: CHARACTERS Casting: 11M, 10F
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GARY GROSSMAN - Male-Late 20's, nice Jewish boy. His Father is Jerry and his brother is Todd. Goes to pick up the coffin after the hearse breaks down. Trying to make it as a singer. NATALIE CHASEN - Female-early 40's, new age earth "mother" to Gary and Todd, fiancee to Jerry. Used to work as a high-end prostitute. Trying to have a child with Jerry. Takes "Sacred Sexuality Workshops". TODD GROSSMAN - Male-Late 20's, has a very cocky attitude, sexually compulsive. His Father is Jerry and his brother is Gary. Goes to pick up the coffin after the hearse breaks down. Likes to hit on women and do drugs. JERRY GROSSMAN - Male-50's-60's, tough ex-cop. Father to Todd and Gary. His fiancee is Natalie. Trying to have a daughter with Natalie. Once had a one-night fling with Marlena. First wife is in a mental hospital. He dislikes Uncle Dave. He also is a philanderer . AVA GERARD Female-30's, Transgender. Sister to Gary and Todd and daughter of Jerry. Once had a lesbian affair with Dori. Uncle Dave paid for her operation. DORI GROSSMAN-Female- Mid 20's-early 30's- pretty, tough, Brooklyn Street chic. Likes flirting with men and asking women about their jewelry. In a relationship with Fredo Iannuzzi and pregnant with his child. Thinks Helen may have taken Grandma Sylvis's jewelry out of the coffin. Sister to skyBoy and Mark. Has had drug problems, and shop lifting issues. Has many boyfriends. SKY-BOY GROSSMAN - Male-Early 30s, Gay, performance artist with no talent, out to lunch. He is a total bohemian, grandson of Grandma Sylvia, brother to Mark and Dori. Will be doing a performance art piece during the funeral. MARK GROSSMAN -Male- Early 30s, slow, dopey, type. Works for Helga at the mortuary, his sister is Dori and he is always showing baby pictures of her. Very hysterical when the coffin arrives. MARLENA WEISS-GROSSMAN - Female-50's-60's- 'bitch goddess.' Make-up artist. Married to Harvey. Likes to give Dori push up bras and hooked on phonics. May have a "cadaver consultant" job for Vlad on her next movie. Picks on Natalie and reminds her, she is not family. Very bossy. Insists on fixing Grandma Sylvia's makeup when she is in the coffin. Dori introduced her to Harvey. Had a fling with Jerry many years ago. HARVEY GROSSMAN - Male-50's-60's- nebbish 'whipped' husband. Born-again Jew. Married to Marlena and often has headaches. He makes numerous accusations against Helen that she stole $2000.00 and slept with all of the Grossman men. His wife thinks his face looks like a vagina. Former air traffic controller, father to Melissa and Risa. MELISSA FRANKLIN - Female- 20's-30's- ACLU attorney. Married to Byron. Must play a musical instrument preferably a violin. She is very distraught. Attended Yale Law School. Has a bad relationship with her stepmother Marlena. Sister to Risa, daughter to Harvey . DR. BYRON FRANKLIN - Male- 30's. African American doctor. Married to Melissa. Treated Grandma Sylvia at the Hospital. Comforts Melissa when she is upset. Vey attentive to other's needs. Has been married to Melissa for three months. RISA IANNUZZI -Female- Late 20's-30's-, beautiful and pampered Jewish 'Princess'. Married to Fredo, she doesn't like that he cheats on her but accepts his explanations for everything. Sister to Melissa, daughter to Harvey. FREDO IANNUZZI - Male- 30's, tough, handsome Italian. Married to Risa, and a real philanderer. Having an affair with Dori Grossman. Wannabe mafia. Has a marble business, his first family lives in Italy. DAVE SCHILDINER - Male- 70's, rich, kvetchy, kibitzer. Is Sylvia's baby brother. Dating Elsie Duey, used to pay for all of Grandma Sylivia's cruises until Elsie came into the picture. Very social. Very wealthy and gives money to a lot of the family. |
Reads
BYRON. I have just a brief announcement I would like to make. Grandma always used to speak tom e in Yiddish, some- times forgetting that I wasn't Jewish. I wo ldjust nod my head as if I understood, and eventually I was able to pick up some of it. I remember at our wedding she told the Kosher Ethiopian caterer, 'der mentsh trakht un got lakht." Which means people plan and G-d laughs. Well, Grandma had alv ays wanted a doc- tor in the family, and she got one. I just came in a different package, that's all. Grandma, this dance is for you.
Read 2: Risa, Fred,
RISA. I wanted for us to come up here and be a part of this funerale specially after so many of Grandma's friends have told me today they don't even know who I am. They keep asking me what my relation is to her. We're feelir g very left out. I don't know if it's because my husband's no: Jewish or because I didn't come to the hospital. Fredo and I received a few phone calls at our home in Connecticut this v eek that I didn't return, and it's not because I don't care. It's because I have a serious problem with hospitals. Ask my husband, I can't stand the smell of them. (She looks at FREDO.) T:ll them .
FREDO. She can't stand the smell of hospitals
RISA. But I did speak to Grandma once last we=k, and she yelled at me for the first time in my life. I thougt it was her medication, but I know now she wanted to see n e one last time before she died. Melissa, you know, Fredo and I paved the way for you and Byron. When we first got engaged, Grandma clipped out an article about how more Jewish fami- lies were being wiped out by inter-marriage than v ere wiped out by World War II. I thought she had come arornd though, when she came to visit us one Hanukkah after we were mar- ried at our home in Brentwood, but that's when... (FREDO whispers in her ear "don't bring that up right now") ... in the middle of the night Grandma woke up broygez and set fire to our Christmas tree.
FREDO. She denied any responsibility. She caimed that the burning bush had returned.
RISA. I know she did these things because she was trying to save me and I forgive her, and I'm sure she forgives me for whatever I did ... so I wanted to say in front of everyone, I'm sorry I didn't go to the hospital, but Grandma knows I loved
Read 3: NATALIE. (With difficulty) Macher's. We have some of the biggest Machers sharing in our grief tonight [today]. The president of Hadassah International audience member #1 (ShouldfindaCatholiclady.)isheremourningwiths .Audi- ence member #t] please stand up and take a bow. Audience member # 1 is the first Roman Catholic president to ever head up a Hadassah group. They do a wonderful job. Also my love oils company, "L 'Essence"t hat's French for essence- you might recognize us from the infomercial. If you stay up late enough on Saturday night, we're on right after Hair in a Can. But most of our success is due to our wonderful a ir and makeup artist, audience member #2, please stand 1p. This woman/man is a Jewish saint. A lot of people don't k ow that audience member #2 is the costumer for Erik Estrade, but he/ she not only did Erik Estrada-
Read 4:
Ashes to ashes
dust to dust
you loved me
you smothered me
with your 40 double D bust.
Vy Vy Vy Vy Vy did you die? (2x.)
Gran Gran Gran Grand Union - Wednesday is double-cou- pon day
Gran Gran Gran Grandfather clock - tic toe tic toe
Gran Gran Gran Grand Prix - Vroooom
(To audience.) I'm trying to say something, stay with me.
Okay.
Sylvia ... Sylvia via NY
via Miami
via Jerusalem maybe next year
(As SYLVIA.)
Stuart darling
Don't be a loser like Gary
be a doctor
eat your fruit Stuart
That's abuse Grandma
my mother said I didn't have to
my mother wouldn't have made me you're not my mother
my mother's dead
and now so are you
and now it's my turn
Grandma be a doctor
Grandma eat your fruit
(Tongue tied.) Grandma ... eat a doctor Be a fruit!
take a look at my (Drops his pants.)
Read 5:
HELGA. (To ELSIE.) No, you sit here! (HELGA slams her pocketbook down on the bimaf or effect.) I have to talk b the nice people. In a moment I am going to be sending you dw n- stairs to eat. Now, pay attention. I'm going to be sending you down row by row. I'll start at the back of the chapel first and work my way to the front. Please do not get up, do'not get into the aisles. Even if you have to make a pish. There is a reason for this. I've got big tsuris with the fire department. Ijust got a four hundred dollar summons. Too many people up, toe many people in the aisle. You wait for me, I'll tell you when to go. Now when I get to you I'll point to your row, you stand up and exit one behind the other, just like Hebrew School. (Pause.) Now when you go downstairs you will see two tables with food. (At the end of her rope, with great hysteria.) Or. each tableisthesamefood!Soyougodownstairsandmakeycurself up a plate and come right back here to the chapel, take your seat, put your plate in your lap and you eat, like a pie-nik. Because I understand some family members have some very important announcements they' d like to share with everyone. So after you go downstairs, make yourself a nice plate, take your food, exit out the long hallway where you first er::tered, go outside and you make a little u-e-turn. And at this time, those of you who must shmoke, like Uncle David, please do that outside, don't stink up my "holeway."
Read 6:
RABBI. Please, Dave, I'm sorry. Let me apologize to all of you. This is my very first funeral service. As 3. fourth year student at Hebrew Union College, I'm honored to be chosen toeulogize such a wonderful woman. I'm happy to say I knew Mrs. Grossman personally. She was at my Bar Mitzvah. In fact it was there she told me that I would become a Rabbi. And I said, "N o," but she was right. So to honor her today I wore my Bar Mitzvah jacket. (Jacket is several sizes too small.) And now the service for our beloved Sylvia Schildiner Grossman. (singing) Esah A nai EI Heharim. Meh Ayin Yavoh Esree. Esree Meheem Adonai. Oseh Shamayin. (He loses the melodyandperfoms theVaaretzlikealittleboywithatinker piano, l ost and devoid of emotion.) Va-a-- a-a-a-aretz. (MARLENAstarts drinkingfroma water bottle in a net holder withashoulder strap.) Iraise my eyes to the mountains from whence comes my help. My life comes from Adonai, Creator of all Heaven and Earth. Sylvia Schildiner Grossman came to us from the heavens, passed through our lives, (Awkwardly.) was hit by a garbage truck, (Beat.) and has now returned to the infinite.
Read 7:
GARY. Last time, it went right through me. Try the Egg Beaters, you'll see. (Cross to MELISSA.) If I gave the impres- sions that I was the only one at the hospital this week, I'm sorry. I'm a little farmisht in kop. It's understandable I'd get a little fartumlt today. So I just want to set the reccrd straight right now by telling everyone that your husband D:. Franklin, Byron, was in Grandma's hospital room every morning this
week, 6:30 a.m. opening the blinds in Grandma's room so the sun would shine in on her face when she woke up, and he sang "The Candy Man" to her every single moming. And Byron, thisistrue,healwaysthinksI'mkibbutzingwithhimbutHelen Krantz was there when it happened. Grandma's very last words before she closed her eyes were-
Read 7:
GARY. It's exactly that type of negativity that I'd like to address right now. I finally got up a little appetite and I went downstairs for a little whitefish salad and there were a few people down there with such farbisn punims, you saw those rnatzoh faces? I went behind them to hear what they were kvetching about, and they were saying, "I don't know why we're laughing and dancing and singing at Sylvia's funeral." And I wanted to say that if you'd shown up at the hospital this week, you would have heard Grandma say to me, "Gary, please, when I'm gone don't shray and throw yourself on the ground. I don' t want that kind of funeral. Celebrate my life. I lived my golden years. And when I'm gone, just give me a f mneral like my girlfriend had. Remember Ida Kaplan from Starrett City?
Wesangshowtunesasshewasloweredintothegrave.Aunt T ippy (This can be an audience member 's name.) in the back sang "Everything's Coming Up Roses." Grandma er.trusted me to disseminate some of the material things she's left behind to those of us who've come to pay tribute to her today And I had something very special, Uncle Dave, that I was going to divvy
Read 8: RACHEL. We'll discuss your second childhood later. (She walks over to where GARYand TODD are sitting.) My poor fragile cousins poor co-dependent Gary, sexually compul- sive Todd, and their brother Abe who is not with us today. Their mother retreated from reality. She's in a mental institu- tion, and their brother Abe pulled a geographic and followed in their mother's footsteps. And Jerry, I blame you for Abe's not being here! (JERRY comes at RACHEL to scare her. NATALIE holds him backjust in time.) Oh, you're gonna hit me Jerry? You're gonna hit me like you hit your boys when they were growing up?
RACHEL. Perhaps we should confront the real issue. My book. Obviously my book Mommy, Look at Me, which has been on the best seller list for the past 26 weeks, has appar- ently raised a few issues for a few members of this family.
DAVE. Rachel, you wrote about me all through your book, and I didn't even understand one word.
RACHEL. Grandpa that's not you. That's Grandpa Rosenbaum! You're in my next book Daddy, Give It To Me. My cousin Gary was absolutely right. Today is the day that we should put our cards on the table. For the record, I did not write Mommy, Look At Me for the sole purpose of letting the world know that my family is a dysfunctional circus. How- ever, I find it highly ironic that h ere we are all paying tribute to the one functional member of this family. Aunt Sylvia was the matriarch of this family. She was more of a mother to us than any of our own mothers. I'm sitting in the back of the service today noticing that none of the mothers of this family are in attendance. Where are the mothers of this family? And what have they been replaced with? (Ref er ring to ELSIE and NATALIE.) Well, here are two classic examples of the Ma- donna-Whore complex! (ELSIE and NATALIE get upset.) From Grandpa to Jerry, through the generations of this family- and let's not ignore Harvey and Marlena's Wendy-Peter Pan di- lemma. Where are the Madonna's, the mothers of this family?
BYRON. I have just a brief announcement I would like to make. Grandma always used to speak tom e in Yiddish, some- times forgetting that I wasn't Jewish. I wo ldjust nod my head as if I understood, and eventually I was able to pick up some of it. I remember at our wedding she told the Kosher Ethiopian caterer, 'der mentsh trakht un got lakht." Which means people plan and G-d laughs. Well, Grandma had alv ays wanted a doc- tor in the family, and she got one. I just came in a different package, that's all. Grandma, this dance is for you.
Read 2: Risa, Fred,
RISA. I wanted for us to come up here and be a part of this funerale specially after so many of Grandma's friends have told me today they don't even know who I am. They keep asking me what my relation is to her. We're feelir g very left out. I don't know if it's because my husband's no: Jewish or because I didn't come to the hospital. Fredo and I received a few phone calls at our home in Connecticut this v eek that I didn't return, and it's not because I don't care. It's because I have a serious problem with hospitals. Ask my husband, I can't stand the smell of them. (She looks at FREDO.) T:ll them .
FREDO. She can't stand the smell of hospitals
RISA. But I did speak to Grandma once last we=k, and she yelled at me for the first time in my life. I thougt it was her medication, but I know now she wanted to see n e one last time before she died. Melissa, you know, Fredo and I paved the way for you and Byron. When we first got engaged, Grandma clipped out an article about how more Jewish fami- lies were being wiped out by inter-marriage than v ere wiped out by World War II. I thought she had come arornd though, when she came to visit us one Hanukkah after we were mar- ried at our home in Brentwood, but that's when... (FREDO whispers in her ear "don't bring that up right now") ... in the middle of the night Grandma woke up broygez and set fire to our Christmas tree.
FREDO. She denied any responsibility. She caimed that the burning bush had returned.
RISA. I know she did these things because she was trying to save me and I forgive her, and I'm sure she forgives me for whatever I did ... so I wanted to say in front of everyone, I'm sorry I didn't go to the hospital, but Grandma knows I loved
Read 3: NATALIE. (With difficulty) Macher's. We have some of the biggest Machers sharing in our grief tonight [today]. The president of Hadassah International audience member #1 (ShouldfindaCatholiclady.)isheremourningwiths .Audi- ence member #t] please stand up and take a bow. Audience member # 1 is the first Roman Catholic president to ever head up a Hadassah group. They do a wonderful job. Also my love oils company, "L 'Essence"t hat's French for essence- you might recognize us from the infomercial. If you stay up late enough on Saturday night, we're on right after Hair in a Can. But most of our success is due to our wonderful a ir and makeup artist, audience member #2, please stand 1p. This woman/man is a Jewish saint. A lot of people don't k ow that audience member #2 is the costumer for Erik Estrade, but he/ she not only did Erik Estrada-
Read 4:
Ashes to ashes
dust to dust
you loved me
you smothered me
with your 40 double D bust.
Vy Vy Vy Vy Vy did you die? (2x.)
Gran Gran Gran Grand Union - Wednesday is double-cou- pon day
Gran Gran Gran Grandfather clock - tic toe tic toe
Gran Gran Gran Grand Prix - Vroooom
(To audience.) I'm trying to say something, stay with me.
Okay.
Sylvia ... Sylvia via NY
via Miami
via Jerusalem maybe next year
(As SYLVIA.)
Stuart darling
Don't be a loser like Gary
be a doctor
eat your fruit Stuart
That's abuse Grandma
my mother said I didn't have to
my mother wouldn't have made me you're not my mother
my mother's dead
and now so are you
and now it's my turn
Grandma be a doctor
Grandma eat your fruit
(Tongue tied.) Grandma ... eat a doctor Be a fruit!
take a look at my (Drops his pants.)
Read 5:
HELGA. (To ELSIE.) No, you sit here! (HELGA slams her pocketbook down on the bimaf or effect.) I have to talk b the nice people. In a moment I am going to be sending you dw n- stairs to eat. Now, pay attention. I'm going to be sending you down row by row. I'll start at the back of the chapel first and work my way to the front. Please do not get up, do'not get into the aisles. Even if you have to make a pish. There is a reason for this. I've got big tsuris with the fire department. Ijust got a four hundred dollar summons. Too many people up, toe many people in the aisle. You wait for me, I'll tell you when to go. Now when I get to you I'll point to your row, you stand up and exit one behind the other, just like Hebrew School. (Pause.) Now when you go downstairs you will see two tables with food. (At the end of her rope, with great hysteria.) Or. each tableisthesamefood!Soyougodownstairsandmakeycurself up a plate and come right back here to the chapel, take your seat, put your plate in your lap and you eat, like a pie-nik. Because I understand some family members have some very important announcements they' d like to share with everyone. So after you go downstairs, make yourself a nice plate, take your food, exit out the long hallway where you first er::tered, go outside and you make a little u-e-turn. And at this time, those of you who must shmoke, like Uncle David, please do that outside, don't stink up my "holeway."
Read 6:
RABBI. Please, Dave, I'm sorry. Let me apologize to all of you. This is my very first funeral service. As 3. fourth year student at Hebrew Union College, I'm honored to be chosen toeulogize such a wonderful woman. I'm happy to say I knew Mrs. Grossman personally. She was at my Bar Mitzvah. In fact it was there she told me that I would become a Rabbi. And I said, "N o," but she was right. So to honor her today I wore my Bar Mitzvah jacket. (Jacket is several sizes too small.) And now the service for our beloved Sylvia Schildiner Grossman. (singing) Esah A nai EI Heharim. Meh Ayin Yavoh Esree. Esree Meheem Adonai. Oseh Shamayin. (He loses the melodyandperfoms theVaaretzlikealittleboywithatinker piano, l ost and devoid of emotion.) Va-a-- a-a-a-aretz. (MARLENAstarts drinkingfroma water bottle in a net holder withashoulder strap.) Iraise my eyes to the mountains from whence comes my help. My life comes from Adonai, Creator of all Heaven and Earth. Sylvia Schildiner Grossman came to us from the heavens, passed through our lives, (Awkwardly.) was hit by a garbage truck, (Beat.) and has now returned to the infinite.
Read 7:
GARY. Last time, it went right through me. Try the Egg Beaters, you'll see. (Cross to MELISSA.) If I gave the impres- sions that I was the only one at the hospital this week, I'm sorry. I'm a little farmisht in kop. It's understandable I'd get a little fartumlt today. So I just want to set the reccrd straight right now by telling everyone that your husband D:. Franklin, Byron, was in Grandma's hospital room every morning this
week, 6:30 a.m. opening the blinds in Grandma's room so the sun would shine in on her face when she woke up, and he sang "The Candy Man" to her every single moming. And Byron, thisistrue,healwaysthinksI'mkibbutzingwithhimbutHelen Krantz was there when it happened. Grandma's very last words before she closed her eyes were-
Read 7:
GARY. It's exactly that type of negativity that I'd like to address right now. I finally got up a little appetite and I went downstairs for a little whitefish salad and there were a few people down there with such farbisn punims, you saw those rnatzoh faces? I went behind them to hear what they were kvetching about, and they were saying, "I don't know why we're laughing and dancing and singing at Sylvia's funeral." And I wanted to say that if you'd shown up at the hospital this week, you would have heard Grandma say to me, "Gary, please, when I'm gone don't shray and throw yourself on the ground. I don' t want that kind of funeral. Celebrate my life. I lived my golden years. And when I'm gone, just give me a f mneral like my girlfriend had. Remember Ida Kaplan from Starrett City?
Wesangshowtunesasshewasloweredintothegrave.Aunt T ippy (This can be an audience member 's name.) in the back sang "Everything's Coming Up Roses." Grandma er.trusted me to disseminate some of the material things she's left behind to those of us who've come to pay tribute to her today And I had something very special, Uncle Dave, that I was going to divvy
Read 8: RACHEL. We'll discuss your second childhood later. (She walks over to where GARYand TODD are sitting.) My poor fragile cousins poor co-dependent Gary, sexually compul- sive Todd, and their brother Abe who is not with us today. Their mother retreated from reality. She's in a mental institu- tion, and their brother Abe pulled a geographic and followed in their mother's footsteps. And Jerry, I blame you for Abe's not being here! (JERRY comes at RACHEL to scare her. NATALIE holds him backjust in time.) Oh, you're gonna hit me Jerry? You're gonna hit me like you hit your boys when they were growing up?
RACHEL. Perhaps we should confront the real issue. My book. Obviously my book Mommy, Look at Me, which has been on the best seller list for the past 26 weeks, has appar- ently raised a few issues for a few members of this family.
DAVE. Rachel, you wrote about me all through your book, and I didn't even understand one word.
RACHEL. Grandpa that's not you. That's Grandpa Rosenbaum! You're in my next book Daddy, Give It To Me. My cousin Gary was absolutely right. Today is the day that we should put our cards on the table. For the record, I did not write Mommy, Look At Me for the sole purpose of letting the world know that my family is a dysfunctional circus. How- ever, I find it highly ironic that h ere we are all paying tribute to the one functional member of this family. Aunt Sylvia was the matriarch of this family. She was more of a mother to us than any of our own mothers. I'm sitting in the back of the service today noticing that none of the mothers of this family are in attendance. Where are the mothers of this family? And what have they been replaced with? (Ref er ring to ELSIE and NATALIE.) Well, here are two classic examples of the Ma- donna-Whore complex! (ELSIE and NATALIE get upset.) From Grandpa to Jerry, through the generations of this family- and let's not ignore Harvey and Marlena's Wendy-Peter Pan di- lemma. Where are the Madonna's, the mothers of this family?
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